WHAT’S ON THE ULTRASKULL PRODUCTION OFFICE STEREO?

1) Drape Variant - "Yo Mister Postman, Wassup Motherfucker"

On his latest beats-and breaks concept album, self-styled ‘People’s Poet’ and ‘Street Sage’ Danny Ford a.k.a. Drape Variant is trying to find an old copy of Razzle in a bush next to a bus shelter in Luton after realising that he had drunkenly filled in an order form for a gay fisting porn DVD but not torn it out of the magazine, leaving open the possibility that his most intimate and forbidden desires could be revealed to anyone who chances upon it. He is very stoned on primo hi-grade and has got the whole thing completely out of proportion; after several days of heavy rain the magazine would be soaked through, the pages glued together in a single slimy lump, with only shredded, foaming fragments of tit, bush, and cock smeared in mud and worms visible in the putrescent sea of swill. Eight hours later he is still stumbling around in the dark, covered in shit, his face ripped to shreds by brambles, bloodshot eyes bulging feverishly, his jaw clenched in a rictus of terrorised panic.

2) Der Rat Kellar - "Three on a Meathook"

The sound of a man in a mask and cape screaming at another man in a mask and cape, who is screaming at another man in a mask and cape. The resulting signal is captured on a precision calibrated 2 inch Studer 24 track analogue multi-track tape recorder, using a classic Neumann U47 microphone. This is then played back through a cheap hi-fi, recorded onto a dictaphone, played back down a telephone and recorded onto an answer phone, then broadcast on short wave radio, received on a portable radio and recorded onto C90 cassette, then played back through a megaphone and into an intercom which terminates in a bugged room. The surveillance team record the signal onto a 4-bit digital sampler, crush the bit depth down to 2-bits using audio software, then transfer it to an Exabyte cartridge, press an 88 rpm shellac record, play it through a gramophone, recording it back onto a precision calibrated 2 inch Studer 24 track analogue multitrack tape recorder, using a classic Neumann U47 microphone. The finished track is mastered onto a quarter-inch tape machine. The results are unremarkable.

3) Various Artists - “All Back to My Mum’s”

Respected microtonal sound Dadaist Gorge Stillje curates this cerebral sound-collage of work from fourteen contemporary bedroom electronica artists, all of whom still live with their mums. This is a cutting edge compilation of the best nascent talent in the field of soulless, alienating dog shit that will never get them anywhere.

4) The Fangs - "We Shit Out Awesome"